Pain is Better than Nothing
by LoquaciousQuibbler
Summary: I hated him. I hated him so much, I liked him. An equation that didn't add up.


Strike

Pain is Better than Nothing

In an underground bunker, filled with soldiers and scientists, I sat tapping at the keyboard of a computer.

"Where did you find all these people?" I heard Dr. Selvig ask Clint Barton.

I glanced up, my dark brown eyes leaving the computer screen for the first time in what felt like hours.

"SHIELD has no shortage of enemies, Doctor," Barton answered simply.

I smirked. No it didn't. No shortage of enemies at all. After all, I'm one of those enemies. Been slipping away from SHIELD for nearly two years. Why do they want me? For being a computer and math whiz. At least, that's part of it. They also want me because I'm kind of an assassin that they'd prefer they didn't have to worry about anymore. There were, of course, two ways they could not have to worry about me anymore: have me join them, or kill me. They had tried to get me to join them. But instead of accepting their generous offer for me to join them, I had refused. There wasn't going to be another offer; if they caught me, they'd kill me.

I used to have a different name than I do now, a normal one. I used to have a first name, middle name, and a last name. Now I have just one. It's not a first, middle or last name. Just my name. Strike.

So here I was once again, working against SHIELD, trying to take them down. There wasn't any particular reason I was against SHIELD. They simply weren't the highest bidder. I'd only work for the highest bidder. It just so happened that the highest bidder was often against SHIELD. And right now the highest bidder was Loki. It would change soon enough, and the new highest bidder would become my new boss if Loki failed. Which was highly possible, but the chance of the plan working was what mattered. The chance for power, and for a good life. A life where I wouldn't have to sell my skills to please others, but use them for myself. That was why I chose to help Loki and his scheme to take over the world.

I returned to my computer screen and grimaced as I heard Loki's voice. He was talking to Selvig and Barton, so I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't help sneaking a few glances up at him.

Loki irritated me in a way that made me hate him so much that I liked him. Confusing? Yeah, it was for me, too.

He didn't fit the mold of either of the two categories of my usual bosses. He wasn't an "overly-present" or a "never-present".

Overly-presents were always breathing down your neck, outright threatening you if you didn't get things done the exact way they wanted it. Overly-presents easily got their tempers up, and were very dangerous if you were a regular screw-up at work. Since I wasn't a regular screw-up, I could avoid daily threats, but they were the kind who would threaten you weekly just to get the point across that they're dangerous. Loki wasn't really like that.

And he didn't fit the other type I usually worked for, either. Never-presents were the ones who would send anonymous messages to their assassins, talk to you over the phone using a voice modifier so you couldn't recognize their voice, and were all-around trying way too hard to be a cool spy. They tried to overdo everything they did. Never-presents tried to make themselves seem intimidating and mysterious, but were really more of a joke among the employees. Still, they did keep you guessing, even if you snickered every time you answered the "unlisted" number to hear the exaggeratedly deep voice.

But Loki didn't fit into either category. He was usually around, like an overly-present, but he wasn't as loud, angry, or threatening. Like a never-present, we didn't know too much about him, but he could actually pull off the whole "mysterious" aura without overdoing it, like most never-presents did.

It's hard to understand someone you can't categorize. I hate not being able to understand. Not being able to understand unsettles me. Loki unsettled me. I hate not knowing much about a person. I didn't know much about Loki.

Well, except that he was an asshole.

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I tried to keep my eyes fixed on my computer screen and ignore him. But I kept sneaking glances out of the corner of my eyes.

When Loki and Barton finished their conversation, I threw a quick glance in his direction. And then my eyes locked with his.

We glared at each other for a few seconds, my brown eyes fixed on his blue ones. A staring contest. And I refused to be the one to look away first. I never backed down from a challenge.

"Anything you'd like to add, Strike?" Loki asked in a scathing voice.

"No, _sir,_" I responded, putting all the mocking sarcasm I could on the word 'sir.' Then I raised my eyebrows, as if daring him to call me out for disrespect.

Instead of saying anything, he simply glared at me.

I allowed a fake smile to curl across my lips. "So what's our plan for getting the iridium? I heard Selvig saying we would need it as a stabilizing agent for the Tesseract?"

Loki gave me a disdainful smile in return. "Your skills won't be required. You're going to stay and help Dr. Selvig here in the lab."

I let the smile fall away from my face. "I'm not just a scientist. I know how to do more than just math and computers. I could help Barton in the field. You could be using me for more than just a desk job."

Loki's haughty gaze lingered on mine for a moment longer before falling away to look at a stack of my solved equations on the table that separated us. Very quietly, he said, "I know you have greater skills than this. However, you're too valuable an asset to allow you to be killed in the field. You're the only one with enough experience to help Dr. Selvig."

I sighed deeply and gave him a resentful glare. I knew he was giving me a kind of compliment, but I just hated him more with every word he said. The jerk couldn't even look me in the eye when he said it. "Fine," I muttered and returned to my computer screen. "You will let me get out in the field sometime."

"When the time is right, perhaps," Loki said lightly, still not looking at me.

"That wasn't a question," I said firmly, looking up to glare at him again. "I'm not an accountant. I'm an assassin who happens to be good with technical things. But that's not what I live for. It's the field work I live for. I will get out in the field sometime."

He met my eyes again, glaring coolly back at me. "We'll see, Strike."

My face hardened. _I hate you,_ I thought, telling him silently because I couldn't say it out loud. _I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. _

Loki examined me carefully. "You should feel flattered that I think so highly of you. Besides Dr. Selvig and Agent Barton, you're the only one I don't think is easily replaceable. You're the only one besides those two that I really don't want killed."

I tasted something bitter in my mouth. "Maybe I'd be flattered if your opinion actually mattered to me."

"Maybe you should appreciate the fact that I'm letting you live despite your disrespect and rudeness," Loki hissed, glaring at me.

"According to you, I'm not easily replaceable, Loki. You apparently don't want me dead. I think I can be as disrespectful and rude as I want and it wouldn't make too much difference," I smirked.

Loki gave me a long, hard look. Then he smirked back at me. "Clever girl. You just might be smart enough to make something out of yourself once I'm in power. If you can learn to hold your tongue, that is."

I smiled humorlessly. "Nice dream."

Loki lingered a moment longer, giving me a calculating look. "We'll see, Strike," he repeated, and then swept away without another word.

When he was out of sight, I let out the breath I had been holding. Loki still unsettled me. It was odd. I hated him so much, I liked him. An equation that didn't add up. But looking at his haughty, arrogant smirk made my heart race.

I returned to solving equations, my fingers trembling slightly as I tapped on the keyboard.

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"That's your genius plan?" I asked, unimpressed.

"Yes, it is," Loki snapped back.

I furrowed my brow. "You create a distraction while Barton breaks in to get the iridium. And then you allow yourself to get captured. And then we're supposed to capture you back and make our way to new York, where you will then have us activate the Tesseract and summon your alien army," I recounted the plan, looking hard at Loki.

"Yes," Loki snarled. "What part of that is so hard for you to understand?"

"The part I don't understand is why you're letting yourself get captured," I said.

"Manipulation," Loki said immediately. "Allowing myself to get captured allows me inside their ranks, and I can sow discord. Weaken them from inside, as it were."

I looked at him suspiciously. "And what exactly makes you think they won't just kill you?"

Loki smirked. "Concerned for my safety, Strike?"

I rolled my eyes. "You're my next payday. If you're killed, I don't get any rewards from helping you. The best I'll get is maybe making it out alive. And that's a big freaking maybe. I don't need you taking unnecessary risks that might compromise the entire plan."

"You're afraid I'll die, and that will ruin your plan for your happily ever after?" Loki asked scathingly.

"No such thing as happily ever after," I snapped. "All I'm looking for is a good-enough ever after. You're going to give me that if I help you win. That's our deal, remember? I'm not having that compromised by your death. So in a way, yes I suppose I am concerned for your safety," I finished bitingly.

Loki crossed his arms across his chest. "I'm not taking an unnecessary risk. First of all, it is necessary. They stand together now. That makes them strong. Dividing them, turning them on each other, makes them weak. Second of all, it's not a risk. They think they need me to find the Tesseract. They won't kill me because they're afraid they'll never find the Tesseract if they do. The worst that will happen is maybe a little torture."

My eyes flashed as I looked sharply at him.

He smirked at my reaction. "Nothing I won't be able to handle. You don't have to worry about me, Strike."

My eyes dropped to the floor. _Quit saying my name, _I ordered silently. "I'm not worried about you personally," I muttered. "Just about my reward."

I heard him let out a little "hm" of amusement. "You don't have to worry about your reward, then. As long as you make sure the rest of the agents hold up to their responsibility and set me free once more."

"It's not entirely my choice, is it?" I muttered in a mutinous voice.

"You're second-in-command after Barton. It may not be entirely your choice, but it's close enough."

"Second-in-command, my foot," I snapped, still staring at the floor. "You're not even letting me help take part in the rescue."

"You're the only one who can help with activating the Tesseract," Loki said immediately.

"Yeah, you've said that before," I said through gritted teeth. "And I've told you, I'm more than just a computer, math and science technician. I'm a soldier."

"What you are is important," Loki said seriously, leaning closer to me and lowering his voice.

My eyes flicked up to his.

"And I am concerned for your safety," Loki continued, still looking at me seriously. "You're a key part to this whole plan working. That makes you important to me."

He was quiet for a moment, looking deep into my eyes, trying to make me understand what he was saying. For a moment, his expression wasn't as hard and guarded as it usually was. He looked sincere, and pleading. He clenched his fists at his sides, looked away from me for a moment, and then met my eyes again. His expression was hard, arrogant, and determined once again. "So follow the orders you're given and don't complain about them. Are we understood, Strike?" he asked coldly.

I held my head up high despite the smoldering glare he was giving me. "Yes, _sir,_" I said coldly in return, once again turning the word "sir" into a mocking insult.

Loki gave me a disgusted look, shook his head, and walked away. "Just do what you're told."

"We'll see, Loki," I whispered when he was out of earshot.

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Loki was very badly deluded if he thought I was going to follow any orders he gave me. Maybe he knew it, too. After all, his last words to me before he left were simply telling me to follow orders.

Funny thing was I had never been very good at doing what I was told.

So instead of staying at Stark Tower with Dr. Selvig, like I was told, I had convinced Barton that Loki had told me to come with the other agents who were going to wreak havoc and get Loki back.

I had told Loki I was going to do some field work, hadn't I? And his response had been "We'll see." Well, now he would see, wouldn't he?

In case you're wondering, yes, I am a spiteful brat. Also, in case you're wondering, no, I wasn't doing this only to spite Loki. Partly, yes, but not only to spite him. The other part was to make sure that Loki was okay. And not just because I wanted my reward when he won. Because a guilty little nagging voice in the back of my head had been constantly worrying about him.

And so now I waited with a small contingent of trained soldiers down the corridor from the detention area where Loki was being kept. We had been waiting in silence for a few minutes now. Barton hadn't returned any radio messages, so we assumed he had been captured. That left me in command now.

"The others might have still gotten him out, even if Barton was stopped," I whispered.

"And what if Loki's still trapped?" a middle-aged agent asked quietly.

"Two more minutes," I said, glancing at my watch. "Two more minutes, then we go in and see if we need to help."

A few moments passed in near-silence.

Then there was a commotion in the corridor adjoining to ours: the one that led directly to the detention facility.

"Let's move," I hissed to the others, then swung around the corner and pointed my gun.

Loki was lying on the floor, the wind knocked out of him. He didn't seem to notice us.

"Smooth entrance," I commented, rushing forward to help him up. "Are you being followed?"

His eyes snapped to mine. "You're not supposed to be here," he managed to say breathlessly, glaring at the hand I offered to help him up.

"Little late to change that, isn't it? Are you being followed?" I asked again briskly.

"No," Loki snapped, using the wall to pull himself up off the floor. "I thought you were told to follow orders. Your orders were to stay with Selvig, Strike," he said angrily.

"Again, it's kind of too late to change it," I said quickly. "Now let's go. We think they've got Barton back, so we've got to move. So what happened?" I threw Loki a glance and signaled to the others to start going.

Loki glared at me darkly before starting down the corridor with the others grouped around him. I took up the rear, walking backwards to make sure no one followed us.

"So what happened?" I repeated.

"Well, the plan worked," Loki said shortly. "Except for the part where you're not where you're supposed to be."

"Yeah, okay, we got that part," I muttered, rolling my eyes. "What else?"

"Hopefully my brother is dead, I managed to kill at least one other of their agents but he's the one that blasted me onto my back as a last retaliation," Loki said in an irritated voice. "Now what the hell are you doing here?"

"You're really pretty upset about this, aren't you?" I asked playfully, tossing my teddy bear colored hair over my shoulder, still walking backwards to cover our escape.

"Strike, you fool, I told you what to do, didn't I?" Loki snapped.

"Yes, you did. And I didn't feel like that was the correct thing for me to do," I answered simply, feeling a smile spread across my face. "I had to make sure you got back okay, didn't I?" I glanced over my shoulder at him and grinned.

"You're a stupid fool," Loki said, shooting me a glare.

I just shrugged and turned my attention back to the hallway we were walking down.

That's when I heard a quiet _click. _I froze. "Stop," I whispered to the others.

They froze, too. We were all absolutely still for one moment. We stared back down the hall we had just come from, scanning it for any enemies.

A SHIELD agent jumped out of an adjoining hallway and started firing at us. We fired back. Within seconds, he stumbled and fell backwards. He raised his gun once more and fired one last time.

Pain exploded on the right side of my abdomen. I couldn't breathe. I fell to the floor and curled up into a ball, lost in a red haze of pain. "It hurts," I breathed, closing my eyes. "It hurts."

Distantly, I heard Loki yelling my name, but I barely noticed, not able to breathe, curled into a fetal position on the floor. I felt a hand on my arm and I heard Loki's voice in my ear. It took me a moment to register what he said. "Strike. It'll be alright. It'll be alright."

And then everything in the world went black.

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When I woke up, I didn't open my eyes. I felt exhausted.

"I know you're awake," I heard Loki murmur nearby.

"No, I'm not," I mumbled thickly.

He let out a "hm" of amusement. "Strike, wake up."

Reluctantly, I opened my eyes. I was lying on a mat on a metal floor. Loki sat in a chair next to the mat.

I looked up at him blearily. "How'd you know I was awake?"

"Your breathing changed," he said simply, shrugging.

I looked around the room. There were a few other injured soldiers on similar mats. Medics went around checking on individuals and passing out pills.

I took a deep breath and winced at the pain on the right side of my stomach. "What happened?" I asked, clutching my side, grimacing.

Loki didn't answer, and gave me a dirty look.

Gingerly, I stood up. I was wearing a gray t-shirt and black pants. I tried to breathe deeply again, and again winced at the pain in my stomach. I glared at Loki, who watched me silently. I lifted up the hem of my shirt a few inches. I froze and lifted it up a few more inches. "Damn," I breathed.

A black and purple bruise stained the pale skin of my stomach. It was the size of a softball and covered the area from my belly button to the bottom of my right ribcage. I gently pressed against the ugly bruise and hissed in pain. I dropped my shirt back into place and met Loki's eyes again.

He glared at me.

"What are you mad about?" I challenged. "I'm not dead, am I?"

"No, you're not dead. But I thought you were going to be," Loki said mutinously, still glaring at me.

"What, you think I was a big enough idiot to not be protected?" I smirked. "I was wearing a bulletproof vest."

"Yes, I know," Loki snapped. "I didn't know that until we got you back here and the medics took a look at you." Suddenly he raised his voice. "Strike, you could've died!"

A few of the other patients and medics looked up in alarm at the sound of his raised voice. I ignored them and focused on Loki.

"No, I couldn't have," I replied. "I had a bulletproof vest."

"Yet even with that, you passed out from pain and shock, and have a bruise bigger than a fist on your stomach. A bulletproof vest won't save you from everything, Strike. You still could have died. This wouldn't have happened if you had just followed orders" Loki snarled. "When you're given orders, you follow them."

"Apparently, I don't," I muttered.

Loki grabbed my wrist and yanked on it as he walked out of the makeshift treatment room into the hall outside, dragging me along with him.

"Hey!" I protested. "Let me go!"

"No," Loki said, not looking at me as he dragged me along.

The floor rocked slightly as we walked, and I realized we were still on the hovercraft that we had been in to rescue Loki. We must still be on our way to New York.

Loki stopped dragging me a little ways down the hall. He let go of my wrist and glared at me.

"So what are you going to do? Beat me to death for my insolence, or use your magic spear to make sure I follow orders next time?" I asked defiantly.

"I am going to ask you a question," Loki said in a deadly quiet voice.

I watched him in silence, glaring and waiting for whatever it was he was going to ask me.

"Why did you feel the need to help with getting me back?" Loki asked simply.

I glared up at him, the wheels in my head turning as I tried to think of an acceptable lie. "Maybe I just enjoy spiting you," I spat.

Loki glared at me coldly. "We both know that's not true."

I held back a biting insult. "Have you got a better reason?"

Loki gave me a calculating look, as if deciding whether or not it was worth it to give me his opinion. After a long moment, Loki said quietly, "Strike, I know you have feelings for me."

I stared at him. I kept my face expressionless, though inside, I was panicking. There was no way he could know that. I barely knew it myself, and hadn't truly acknowledged the fact, though I had suspected it for a short time now. "Don't flatter yourself," I finally said scathingly. "That's a bit of wishful thinking on your part, Loki."

"I don't think it is," Loki murmured, stepping closer to me. Now we were only separated by a foot of space.

My breath hitched in my throat and I stepped away. "Leave me alone," I said in a whisper.

"AT least admit it," Loki growled.

My eyes flashed as I glared at him. "Even if I did have feelings for you, which I don't, I haven't acted on them, so—"

Loki laughed harshly. "You defied my orders and came to make sure I was alright. If that's not acting on your feelings, I don't know what is."

I clenched my fists at my side and didn't meet his eyes. "Leave me alone."

"Strike," Loki said my name softly. I felt his hand touch my cheek gently. "I'm not mad at you for having feelings, I just wish you'd admit it."

I slapped his hand away, glaring at him. "I said leave me alone! What the hell do you want from me, anyway?!" I shouted.

Loki's eyes blazed with anger. "Strike, you are impossible!"

"If I'm impossible, then just kill me already," I snapped.

"Maybe I will," Loki said sharply, then pushed me roughly against the wall, looking furious. His fingers dug into my shoulders, squeezing tightly to make sure I wouldn't be able to wriggle free of his grip. "Strike, you are the most aggravating person I have ever met!" he hissed.

I closed my eyes, expecting the beating of my life. I didn't want to see his face as he split my skull open. A moment passed and nothing happened. We were in absolute stillness and silence. Another moment passed and he still didn't kill me. He didn't do anything, just kept me pressed against the cold metal wall.

"Just do it already," I whimpered. "Just kill me and be done with it."

His fingers dug deeper into my shoulders and I heard him sigh. I let out a little gasp of pain as he squeezed even tighter. I kept my eyes closed, afraid to see his face. Afraid to see his pleasure at my fear and pain.

"Just kill me," I whispered again.

Loki was silent for a moment. "I can't," he whispered, sounding pained.

He pressed his lips against mine and kissed me gently.

My heart stopped for a moment. Then I kissed him back. His grip on my shoulders relaxed and he stepped a little closer.

It was odd; it wasn't the kind of kiss I would have expected from him (not that I had been expecting any kind of kiss). If I had ever expected a kiss from Loki, I would have expected a hard, kind of angry-passion kiss. But this was… not. It was soft, loving, and gentle. As if he was afraid of hurting me.

I slowly opened my eyes as he pulled away from the kiss after a long moment. For the second time that day, I felt as if I couldn't breathe.

He let out a little sigh, looking at me with a calm, serious expression. For a moment, he didn't say anything. He let his left hand fall from my shoulder, and he brushed it along the fabric of my t-shirt, over the ugly bruise on my stomach. Then he laid his hand flat against my stomach, not applying pressure, but simply letting it rest there.

I stiffened as the sensitive area ached dully.

"Earlier…" he murmured, "I couldn't stand seeing you in pain. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you." He lingered for a moment longer and trailed a finger down my cheek, tracing the curve of my jaw. Then he disappeared, walking away briskly down the hall, leaving me stunned, still leaning against the metal wall.

Half-dazed, I reached up and touched my lips. I hardly dared to believe what had just happened.

Hardly daring to believe it in a good way.

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I slowly made my way back to the room with the other injured soldiers, still trying to comprehend what Loki had just done and said.

I entered the room and sat in the chair Loki had been sitting in when I woke up.

"Hey, he didn't kill you," someone said in a relieved voice.

I looked around to see where the voice came from. A man with black hair sat up on a mat about six feet away. I recognized him as one of the agents who had been with me during the havoc-wreaking and rescue. He had a bandage wrapped around his upper arm, where he had apparently been shot. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"Loki. I thought for sure he was going to kill you," he said, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah," I muttered. "I thought so, too," I said uncomfortably. I wanted to change the subject. "So what exactly happened after…? You know. I passed out."

He scratched the back of his head with the hand of his uninjured arm. "Well, the SHIELD agent hit a couple of us before we finally shot him down. Including me," he added, gesturing to his arm. "Well, then you passed out on the floor, and… Well, Loki kind of freaked out, actually. It was kind of scary."

The corners of my mouth twitched. "What do you mean, he freaked out?"

The soldier gave me a kind of disgruntled look. "Well, we didn't know you had a bulletproof vest on, so we all thought you weren't going to make it, right?"

I nodded slowly.

He sighed. "Well, Loki ordered us to carry you with us anyway, and see if our medics could help. We were still injured, so we basically said 'hell, no.' No offense to you, of course, Strike, but we thought there wasn't any point. Agent Anderson said we were going to have to leave you, and you weren't worth the extra time it would take to carry you if you were gone, anyway. So then Loki snapped his neck and asked if anyone else had any objections to bringing you. Obviously, we didn't."

I stared at him. "He killed a guy because he refused to save me?" I asked in disbelief.

He nodded reluctantly. "Yeah."

I nodded, not meeting his eyes. "And then what happened when we got back here?"

"Well, the medics took a look at you, and as soon as they took off the SHIELD jacket, they saw the vest you had on underneath. You know, they had to make sure the bullet hadn't actually gone through it, but then they said you'd wake up with a hell of a bruise, but you'd be fine," the soldier shrugged.

"What did Loki say?" I asked.

The soldier smirked a little bit. "Nothing, actually. He just looked kind of stunned. And then he got this look on his face, like…" he considered for a moment. "I don't know, I couldn't tell if he was going to kill someone or burst into tears. He had his fists all clenched, and he got all quiet, it was really weird. Then he pulled up a chair next to your mat and didn't say a word to anyone until you woke up."

I was silent. _Wow, _I thought to myself.

"And then I thought all the pain I had to go through with carrying you with an injured arm was for nothing when he dragged you off," the soldier continued. "I was just thinking to myself, why bother saving you if he was just going to kill you when you woke up?"

I smiled and shook my head. "Well, he didn't kill me yet."

The agent looked hard at me. "Why not, anyways?"

"Why didn't he kill me?" I asked.

"Yeah… Well, why did he insist on saving you, and why was he so mad that you came with us to help with the rescue, and then why didn't he kill you after you talked back to him?" the soldier asked eagerly.

I didn't answer for a moment. I wasn't going to tell him the truth. I wasn't going to tell anyone the truth. "Because I'm the only one who can help Selvig with the work on the Tesseract," I lied smoothly. "He didn't want me getting put in danger because I'm the only one with the experience in science, math, and technology."

"Right, right," the soldier said, nodding. "Though that still doesn't explain the whole kiss on the cheek thing he gave you while you were passed out," he added, shooting me a knowing smirk.

"The whole _what?_" I snapped, staring at him.

He grinned broadly. "It was really cute. It was when he was just waiting for you to wake up. For a little while, he actually sat on the floor next to you and held your hand, and then… yeah. He gave you a little kiss on the cheek. And then he gave everyone who looked at him weird a death glare. No one had the nerve to ask him what that was all about. So… what's really going on there?" he asked, still grinning and raising an eyebrow.

I felt the blood rush to my face. "Nothing," I muttered.

He still smiled knowingly. "Mhmm," he said, sounding very unconvinced.

"And I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate you spreading rumors," I added with a glare at him.

"Mhmm," he repeated, still smirking.

I shook my head and crossed my arms, feeling very self-conscious.

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I didn't get the chance to see Loki again until much later. As soon as we arrived in New York, I had to go help Selvig. Which really meant I stood by double checking that everything had already been done. As it turned out, Selvig really didn't need help with much of anything.

But for once, I followed the orders I had been given: stay and help Dr. Selvig until the Cube's power had reached full strength and the barrier was virtually indestructible. But as soon as that was done, I went down from the rooftop to the top floor, where Loki was.

Loki glanced up at me as I entered the room. We were silent for a moment as our eyes locked.

"Um, Loki?" I said hesitantly.

"Has the Tesseract reached full strength yet?" Loki asked in a business-like tone.

"Yeah, but I was just—" I started to say, but he cut me off.

"Has the barrier around it reached full strength?" he asked.

"Loki, listen to me for a second. I wanted to—" I started again, but he once again cut me off.

"I asked you if the barrier has reached full strength yet, Strike," he said coldly.

I stared at him for a moment and didn't say anything. Was he going to treat me like any other agent now?

Loki glared at me. "Has the barrier—"

But this time I cut him off. "Yes, _sir,_" I said mutinously.

"Good. Anything else?" he glared at me severely.

I glared at him. "No, _sir,_" I said through gritted teeth. My fists clenched at my sides, and I felt a cold fury in the pit of my stomach.

"Good. Then you can either stay with Dr. Selvig on the roof and supervise the cube, or join the other agents downstairs guarding the ground level entrances," Loki said.

I closed my eyes for a second. "Yes, _sir._" I had a bitter taste in my mouth. Anger pulsed through my veins.

"You can go, then," Loki said coolly.

_I hate you, _I said silently because I couldn't say it out loud. _I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. _I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I glared at him coldly for a brief moment before walking stiffly to the exit door, which would lead me to the lower floors. I placed my hand on the doorknob, about to leave. Then I suddenly whipped around. "You know, you actually had me fooled there for a second," I snapped loudly, giving Loki a look of pure hatred.

Loki looked at me disinterestedly. "Fooled about what?"

I stared at him, outraged. "For a second there, I thought you were actually being sincere! I thought you actually cared!"

Loki kept his face expressionless and didn't respond to my accusations.

I strode forward and shoved him. "_Say something to me! Just tell me you were acting or lying!" _I demanded, glaring at him as my eyes filled with tears.

Loki still didn't say anything, giving me an empty glare.

I opened my mouth, but I couldn't even think of anything that could express my feelings. I swung my hand at his face to slap him instead, but he caught my wrist before it hit him and held it tightly. I tried to wrench my hand free, but he squeezed even tighter. I glared at him, and the tears finally spilled out. "I hate you," I whispered. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."

Loki looked somewhat surprised by this sudden declaration. "Why?"

I sobbed once, then gasped as pain shot through the bruise on my stomach. "Because you're a liar," I managed to choke out through my tears.

"I may be a liar, but I never lied to you," Loki said in a somewhat defensive voice.

I trembled, both with rage and the sobs I let out. "Yes you did. You said you'd never hurt me. But right now you're hurting me so badly, you're breaking my heart. Why are you refusing to talk to me? Why are you pretending nothing happened?"

Loki was silent for another moment. "Because no matter what I do, I'm going to make you unhappy. Because I know that no matter what happens today, there's no way you and I could be happy together. I thought it might be easier if I just pushed you away sooner rather than later."

I glared at him, tears still sliding down my cheeks. "Loki, you're so stupid sometimes," I whispered. "You do realize the odds are that either one of us or both of us will die later today, don't you?"

Loki didn't answer, looking at the ground.

"And you'd prefer that the last thing we say to each other was 'you may go' and 'yes, sir'? You would rather have that than at least saying some kind of goodbye?" I continued.

"It hurts less when you don't have to say goodbye," Loki said quietly. "It's too hard to tell someone how you feel. It's easier to just keep them in."

I glared at him for a moment. "You're a coward, Loki. If you want that to be the last thing I ever say to you, then you can be the one that lives with it. You are a coward."

Loki returned my glare.

We stood in silence for a minute, glaring at each other. He was the one who looked away first. As his gaze dropped to the floor, I felt a perverse sense of satisfaction. I had won the staring contest. But then I felt my heart sink as I remembered earlier that day, when we had kissed, and just for that one moment, we had admitted our feelings for each other. And now Loki wanted to ignore them, simply because saying goodbye was harder than being cold and distant.

It took only a moment to make up my mind. "I know you didn't want to talk," I said quietly. "But I didn't want to talk, either. All I wanted to do was to wish us good luck." Then I leaned in and kissed his cheek. "And to give you a good luck charm."

Then I pulled my wrist out of his grip and walked back towards the door.

"Strike," I heard him whisper my name, and then he stepped forward and grabbed my wrist. He looked at me with a pained expression for a moment, and then pressed his lips to mine.

At least, that's what I wished he would do. Instead he didn't move an inch as I walked to the door and placed my hand on the knob. I glanced back at him one last time to see if he was going to say anything else to me.

"Sentiment only leads to pain," he said quietly. It sounded like he was trying to tell himself more than me, but I responded anyway.

"Sentiment is what makes up the things in life that are worth remembering. And sentiment may lead to pain, but isn't feeling some pain better than feeling nothing?" I asked.

Loki didn't answer.

"You are a coward," I whispered again. Then I yanked open the door and left him standing alone. That's all he ever would be. Alone.

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And you know what the ironic thing is?

Even though I told him I hate him, even though I called him a coward, even though I should be cursing his name and wishing horrible tortures on him, I'm simply wishing we could have been happy. Because as I lay here dying, I'm just wishing he was here holding my hand. Wishing he would give me one more gentle kiss before I die. Wishing we both had the guts to try harder.

I press my hand to my ribs, where blood pours out of a bullet hole. I know I won't last much longer.

After I had left Loki, I had come down to guard the ground entrances with the other agents. But when all the Chitauri had fallen dead a few minutes ago, some of the agents panicked. And one idiot started firing wildly at our own, saying we had planned this somehow.

There was no bulletproof vest to protect me this time.

I curl up into a tight ball, uselessly trying to stop the bleeding with my hand, now stained crimson.

And even though he isn't here to say goodbye to me, all I can do is whisper my own goodbye to him. Because even though he will never hear my last words, I have to say them.

"I'm sorry, Loki," I whisper. "I'm sorry. I love you, but you're never going to know that. I'm just sorry I never got to say it to your face," I whisper. Then I close my eyes and try to breathe. It's getting harder and harder. For the third time today, I feel like I can't breathe.

And though Loki will never know it, my last thoughts are of our kiss. My consciousness starts to fade into a hazy gray, darkening to black.

_"Just kill me," I whisper. _

I hear Loki whisper in a pained voice, _"I can't." _

Then I feel his lips press against mine gently.

And then all my thoughts slip away into nothingness.

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Loki's fingers trembled as he reached out and touched her face. Her skin was cold. He drew his hand back quickly and clamped it over his mouth to stop from crying out. He bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut, determined not to cry.

"Let's go," Captain America snapped.

Loki didn't move, still kneeling next to the woman's body.

The Avengers glanced uncomfortably at each other, not quite sure what to do.

"Loki, let's go," Captain America repeated, taking a step towards him.

"Shut up!" Loki spat, shooting a glare at the group.

They were all surprised to see the tears in his eyes. The Captain stepped back and waited unsurely.

Loki turned back to Strike's body, still very conscious of the people watching. He reached out and gently touched her arm, then her face again. "Strike, I'm sorry," he whispered, wishing he could have said it earlier, when the words would have meant something to her.

And though it was too late for it to make a difference, Loki leaned in and kissed Strike's cold cheek. He shot another glare back at the Avengers, who were looking awkwardly at the ground. He turned back to Strike again.

If it wasn't for the blood staining her hands and shirt, she might have been asleep. Her face was calm, with her eyes closed and her head leaned against the wall behind her. Only, she wasn't asleep.

It was hard to believe that just a few hours ago, she had been shouting at Loki, crying, angry, and very much alive. And she never would be again. She would never say the word 'sir' so mockingly to him again. Loki had never let on how much that had irritated him. She would have been happy to know that she really did get under his skin with that one. But she never would know. Just like she never would know all the things he wished he had had the guts to tell her when she was alive.

Loki squeezed his eyes shut again, willing himself not to cry as he leaned in close to Strike and whispered in her ear. "Strike, I love you. Even though you can't hear me now, you deserve me to say it to you at least once. And I'm sorry... I'm sorry I hurt you. I told you I never would, and I did anyway. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry." He swallowed past the lump in his throat and continued to whisper in her ear, his voice shaking. "And maybe we really could have been happy. I just wish I would have taken the chance to find out." He pulled away and cupped her cheek with his hand one last time before whispering, "Goodbye."

Maybe Loki had been right, and saying goodbye was hard. But maybe Strike had been right, too. Maybe pain was better than feeling nothing.

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_I wish I could save you_

_I wish I could say to you_

_I'm not going nowhere_

_I wish I could say to you_

_It's gonna be alright _

_It's gonna be alright_

_Didn't mean _

_Didn't mean to leave you stranded_

_Went away _

_cuz I didn't wanna face the truth_

_Reaching out _

_reach for me empty handed _

_You don't know _

_if I kept trying to find the proof_

_There were times I'd wonder _

_Could I have eased your pain?_

_Why did I turn away?_

_Away_

_I wish I could save you _

_I wish I could say to you_

_I'm not going nowhere_

_I wish I could say to you_

_It's gonna be alright _

"Save You" by Kelly Clarkson

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**Note from the LoquaciousQuibbler: Well, then… that was, um… -clears throat and sniffles- …sad. Anyways, just a little one-shot. I hope to be posting more fan fiction soon. I hope you enjoyed (as much as you can enjoy a tragic ending) the story. And no yelling at me for making it sad! **

_Note from darkonesroses: ….well, then... -sob- give me a second... Okay, this is loquaciousquibbler, my sister that I love very much and right now that I hate very much because of this story... -sob- Please comment, because we both love comments! Hugs and loves!_


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